Saturday, October 30, 2010


I am depressed.
I am depressed.

Did I ever mention I'm depressed?

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday.

Now, I hardly give a shit about anything and just rudimentally go through a meaningless existence.

If it were up to me, I'd be dead, but my Dad and two friends would miss me.

I am semi-financially stable, fed, clothed....
But I dont feel pleasure in anything.
I guess that's what catagorizes someone as depressed.
Oh well.

Monday, October 25, 2010



You know them.
Just when you think your computer has stumbled across the greatest free porn Church Potluck Recipe website ever, suddenly....LAAAAGGG.....
"Oh god..Nobluescreenofdeathpleasenobluescreenofdeadggaaaaahhhddd!!!"
"Ah crap. The ad has to load."
This and many other annoyances, not only contributing to the A.D.D culture of the '00's, but cloging up our servers with rediculously hidious-looking spamalot!
They get worse and worse the dirtier the website is.
For instance................Okay, I'll save some time and your innocent little imaginations. Look 'em up!

The often downright outdated references at pop cultured themes make these ads something to almost keep a record book of.
I swear it's the same guy somewhere in Thailand or Argentina making the breast and penis enlargement ads as is the ads for free banking.
"Well, if your bank did have it's ways of putting a little more funk in the junk, if you know what I mean, then I have no choice but to open a free* chequing account!"
*By Free I mean not and by not I mean I'd rather wax my genitals with sand paper and gasoline than have to deal with another bank trip!

Long retired are the ads blatantly selling out celebrities. I think it has something to do with weight gain..
Now, we need younger, sexier, 'average' people, who simply want to enlarge certain body parts for the purpose of inflating their somewhat already devoured-and-spit out self esteem.
We also need more rainboots.
(Speaking from a person living in Vancouver Canada in October....Yes. We do.)

So if you're dying to be the 40000th visitor on some Brazillian Rubber website opting to win an Ipad.....Go right ahead! Click the little slow moving target and enter your credit card number!
Four months and nine hundred credit statements later, I'll see you at the bank.
Bring Matches.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Chowder dream

When I was young, I had a cat named Chowder.
He was a white coated, green eyed, pink nosed, short hair with a tendency to wander away.
He disappeared Friday, July 13 2001. That night, we had a tornado in Calgary.
We all huddled in the basement as my mom tried to comfort my sister- Chowder's #1 girl, into thinking he would come home. He never did.

In my dream, I had attempted to mail Chowder in my Dad's yellow duffle bag, across the country. Either I was moving or something, but I remember being a bit worried.
I think either the trip took longer than expected, or that I had forgotten about him, but I had overheard that they store all luggage in a freezer.
To my horror, I came to this freezer, dug through piles of bags, until I saw the yellow bag.
Praying half assed that he'd be alive and expecting the worst, I unzipped the bag to find his fur.
He'd been skinned, but there was no blood.
Inside the fur, I pulled out some kind of fleshy object- His heart.
It looked like a real-life human heart. Complete with veins and whatnot.
I wasnt overtly sad, but uneasy. It kinda put me at peace almost.
I read somewhere long ago that Ancient Egyptians took out all of the organs of their dead during mumification, but left the heart intact. They believed a person truely lived life and had fun with the heart, rather than the mind.
I guess this put me at ease.

DREAM: October 22/10
Moon Cycle: Blood Moon.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Weird dream/Subconscence

Your Health Matters Because You Matter.

Those were the words I said in a dream involving an evil mouse, battling an obsese boy, and going about it in a video-game like matter in a setting simular to my workplace.
I had to move this heavy thing across the floor. This mouse was looking at random loonies and twonies on the floor. It had a guilty face/a face of someone about to do something wrong. I finally finished hauling the heavy thing, when I looked back. The mouse had put on some kind of costume, and was in control of this obsese guy.
I dodged under this structure located where one of the Bluray DVD shelves would be along the 'racetrack' and gathered my strength.
The setting slowly turned into my old Elementary school playground/field and I began fighting the fat guy on a play structure.
I kept shouting positive/advice as I fought back, which had an effect on him. He ended up on his back, and I ended up looking at him in the eye and saying the lines above: "Your health matters because You matter".

This is clearly my subconscence telling me to get off my ass and be more positive/stop isolating.
Maybe the therepy is finally kicking in.
You know, this is one thing I could also say to my mother to get her to shut up.
I cant help but thinking that.

Ugh. Everyone in my family phones me up to either bitch about some issue around the house, or something at work.
I'm getting sick of it.
I'm not even going to answer the phone.

Friday, October 22, 2010



I've let myself get fat and lethargic again.
Not very hard when you're working for the third most evil company in the world.

I just eat. And sleep. And cook. And eat. And Sleep. And sleep some more.
Hell, I wouldnt be surprised if I sleep-eat.
I bought a yoga DVD yesterday. {For those of you who have no idea who the fuck I am, or rather, what my ego has set up; I concider myself a feminist punk. Yup. Green Mohawk. Piercings. Spikes. The whole Shabang.}
Buying a Yoga DVD for me was like a Reverend buying porn........which probably happens every day, so I'll use a better example: Like.....Well, a feminist chick buying into the whole society's standards.
I dont believe I'm overweight.
I just feel unfit and gross. I dont think I've repeatidly done any excersize in almost two years.
It's a shame, because excersize did help my depression.
Now, I just have to actually get off my ass, pop the DVD in, and start with the leg crossing!
I hate the Yoga train though.
Yoga is a deep, Ancient, sacred practice. Not some fad-of-the-month quickie weight loss solution.
I doubt Jillian Michaels even knows what a Bodhisvatta is!
(I'm actually surprised I spelt that correctly without reference material!)
But still.........As a Zen Buddhist, I may as well partake in the excersize which has transformed many people.
Ugh. After bed.

Monday, October 18, 2010


Holy Christ.
This is my life.
I hate it.

I'm a single, depressed, lonely, bitter human being.
Living in a tiny apartment where the fridge leaks, the ceiling is caving in, and it's bug-infested, isolating myself.
There's nothing left to do.
I procrastinate with everything.
My job? $9.00/hr working in a warehouse of a crappy electronics store.
Food controls me.
My Depression controls me.
My Mother's violent rage and awful memories control me.
How do I get out?

Mindless self pity rant #207

Five women so far have called about my ad on craigslist. Which means five women will end up in the apartment at the same time; either fighting to the death in my living room, or all of them deciding at once that the room is a useless waste of space and that I am a terrible person for ever suggesting anyone ever live in it!
How dare I!

I've gotten myself into a bad habbit of making this naan-like pan bread (which CANNOT be good for me) everyday. It's about 2:3 in oil content, the other ingredients being flour, yeast, and water.

I need to excersize more.
Seriously. This isnt a vanity thing..Okay it is. I want to fit in my pants again.
Been gradually cutting down though..
I guess this is gonna be another cupcake/emotions thing.
When I find a new recipe I absolutely love, I make it every bloody day.
Gradually, I cut down, then comes to the point where I can safely 'meh' about it.
It was like that with cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, and other such crap people do to themselves, only food is so universally accepted.
Food to me, like millions of others, is a comfort.
I've become my mother: Hiding away in my own space, isolating myself and not caring about my body, health, or happiness.
My addictions counsellor stated 90% of recovering drug addicts gain weight after a significant number of months.
I havent gained too much, although I've never been comfortable in my own skin.
I'm naturally skinny, but my twin sister was always skinnier. I guess that's why I tried so hard to out-do her in almost everything: No matter how much I ever completed, I was always "Fatty". AND I'VE NEVER BEEN OVER 125 LBS IN MY LIFE! AT 163cm! (5ft 4 to Americans).
My Mother's always been overweight. Cruel and addicted to something!
I feel as though she never did anything to stop my siblings tormenting me because it would mean taking the negative attention off of her for once.
Well, now, none of us have great self esteem, and are withering away in crappy apartments, Rehab centres, Jail, or dead end Mcjobs.
I am not my appitite, or my problems.
I'm just a kid who grew up in a bad home, lost her way, and is now trying to put back the pieces.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010


I still feel pretty sad about Ranga leaving.
He's doing what he has to do, and the world doesnt revolve around me.
I'll just miss his conversations and the fact I've met one male who isnt a complete asshole or some jealous-passive agressive dweeb. A guy who's actually smart, but not pretentious about it. If I were hetro, I'd dig my claws into him.
He was like a brother to me.
Like the same brother I once had, whom I lost so many years ago. Travelling on the same wavelength in a world full of disfunctional imps.
It's just what happens. This is life. Life is suffering. Suffering is life.

Saturday, October 9, 2010


My Roomate told me he was moving out yesterday.
He ran out of money and had to go back to his home in Australia.
It hit me like a sack of bricks, but I tried not to cry in front of him. I could tell he felt bad, but shit happens.
Vancouver wages are shit, and I highly doubt *I* can even keep afloat.

I hate the roomate search.
I was lucky running into Shandra and Ranga.
They were like the brother and sister I never had. Well, did have, but never leading on to drugs/stupidity.
Shandra helped me with veganism and art.
Ranga helped me with Straight Edge and punk.
They were the human embodiments of my core belief system.

In other news, my mohawk is maintained and is now green.

I'll miss Ranga so much...
I miss Shandra as well.

Lets just hope another awsome person comes along.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Polar Promise

A thousand grams of green tea used to do the trick
Now a thousand cups a day, and I still feel cold and sick
People always tell me not to overuse my mind
Of what I know may never be though be it hard to find
You heard me write 'I hate it here, but that doesnt mean you, my dear'
And did I say "Hate Feeds your Fear"
But that's just one thing you'd never hear.

To Claim you feel what I feel; know life's hard
I know you want to help me out; impossible regard
People always tell me to 'be gentle with your heart'
And nothing goes unwasted when your life's been blown apart.
You heard me write "I hate it hear, but that doesnt mean you, my dear"
and did I say Hate feeds your fear"
But that's one thing nobody will hear.

Meh thoughts

Having depression sucks.
All those fools out there think it's crying all day. It isnt.
It's not giving a damn about anything.
The wonderful things in life you just KNOW are out there, but really cant feel excited for.
Thanksgiving, Halloween, Friends..I'm so lucky to have these.
So why do I feel so empty and tired?
I'm understimulated at work.
People say: You need a hobby. You need therapy. You need drugs. You need new friends.
I dont 'need' anything. Fundamentally, things do not exist.
There's a deeper truth and meaning to it all.
Halloween was special because I got to dress up and eat a ton of crap.
Thanksgiving was cool cause Mom used to make something good, like cheesecake, back when she did things.
Now, I have no family.
I have friends, and to tell you the truth, Thanksgiving with my family always turned out horribly violent every year.

I just miss being excited for anything.
I miss feeling emotions like a human being.

Its not so bad that I have a roof over my head and food. Those parts are good.
But..Hell...Sometimes, I wish I had some kind of a soul.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Breakup Letter


It's been what....Five years now?
Whoa..Five whole years since I first discovered you.
I remember it well.

2005, I was an angry teenager.
I had skipped school that day and decided to bum around the Chinook C-train station in Calgary. It was cold out, as it would be in November, so I decided to go into the first building which caught my eye.
Okay. Chinook Centre.
I could go in, walk around, go undetected, and warm up.
I made my way to the Chapters and saw you. Love at first sight.
I picked you up and began reading.

Something to agree with my anger for over-consumption and evil marketing of companies!

I agreed with everything you expressed.
From the disturbing number of sexist ads in media, to the impoverished sweatshop workers of South Asia: You had it all.
Your ideas of radical revolutions and anti-capitalism had me by the throat. After all, I was young.

But now...
Listen. You're brilliant. But I dont want to read you anymore.
No, I havent sold my soul to Starbucks, nor have I become a slave to Nike or any industry.
I simply dont want to read you anymore.
You contradict yourself. If you're so hung up on anti-capitalism, why do I have to buy you in the first place?
I still love your ideas, as well as your insight to the world....But, damnit! You've become a fucken snob.
If you were a human being, you'd be those millitant hipster twenty-somethings with no real idea of how to get any of your 'Revolutionary' ideas working.

That and the Violence. Oh god, The Violence.
When I was young, I was convinced violence was okay, in order to get what you want.
But it isnt. It never has been, and it never will be.
Yes, Revolutions have come and gone. They have been violent.
How many of them have held their ground?
Ghandi found a way to overthrow the British Empire with Peace.
Buddhism has lasted 2500 years, and has yet to spread hatred towards any other religious group.
You cant just splatter photos of young punks with their faces covered in Eastern European Countries throwing grenades at buildings, and expect anything good to come of it.
(Why are your photos all young people anyways?)

Yes, Mega-Corporations are destroying the Environment, taking away our rights, producing sexist/ageist ads, among other millions of things, but here's the thing: No matter how many buildings blow up, or cars lighten on fire: You cant change the minds of people who dont want to change.
You cant go up to someone and start yelling at them about their shoes. Or latte.
Yes, Children did create those shoes. Yes it is wrong. But obviously, the guy wearing the shoes doesnt care. I doubt his ability to give a fuck will magickally double with some young zealot screaming in his face.

The world will not change into a Peaceful Utopia with Violence.
People will not change with agression.
Yes, they'll do things yr way by yelling at them.....But only until you've left the room.

The way you treat me is horrible.
I've been a devout follower for five years now, and you still accuse me of being a Capitalist pig.
Okay. I consume. I live in a First World Country.
Is that a fault? No. I cant help where I live! Thats mighty Class-ist of you!
I am a Straight Edge Vegan who doesnt drive a car, owns mostly second-hand materials, and never takes more than my share of anything!.........Except for Rice Chips.....{ALL MINE!}
Yet you still belittle me for simply reading the English Language and using money.
Well, here's a wakeup call for you: Trading and currency have been around since the dawn of time.
I dont need you telling me I'm a horrible person because I live in a tiny apartment and sleep in a little comfortable twin size bed.
I'm not in a sweatshop, but I am still underpaid for the work I do. And trust me, I do work.
I am not being whipped, but I am still taunted and hunted down by perverts because I am a woman.
I am very aware that horrible things happen in other countries- which is why I try to consume as little as possible and donate to charitable organizations.
One thing you have to understand, Adbusters: Things take time. You have to be patient.
No matter how many people you scream at, people will change and realize injustice when they want to.

Yes, we do need to seriously re-educate ourselves about over-consumption and evil corporations: Just not from you.
I can see right through you.
You are a magazine created in Vancouver BC, Canada.
-The last time anything blew up here from the millitary was a meth lab on Princess Street, ran by the son of a retired Cadet.-
Many people will see this breakup letter as some idiotic dribble of a disillusioned young punk.
I dont care how they see it.
I see it as one step towards a future thinking for myself, and having my actions damage as little people as possible.
Hope You find another nice Boy or Girl to converse with.




I really wish I could believe you were out to promote equality of women in the media and shatter myths about what exactly beauty, while encouraging self esteem.
But, unfortuately, like every other campaign out there, it's to sell a product.

Rather than being angry with you....I'm past that already....I'm going to spread your message as a free agent. No strings attatched.
Because, although you use animal products, have been accused of using child labour, belong to a company which promotes sexism/racism in their other products- I still love the idea of your slogan: "Love the Skin you're in."